Wednesday, November 05, 2008

For E

Oh E, I know that this is hard for you. You are sick, and you feel awful, and not only is there a new baby invading your life, but you don't even get to touch her. I know that you want nothing more to hug and hold your new sister, to touch her little tiny hands and stroke her incredibly soft head. I know, because that is all I want to do with her too. I know that you also want to be hugged and snuggled yourself, and that I cannot because your are coughing and oozing and I just cannot get sick 4 days postpartum.
I tried to explain to you today, in your fit of tears, that we love you - that if I didn't care I would let you sob and yell about how we don't care; that I came to hold you and comfort you because I love you more than I can ever make you know. I tried to tell you once again that all of this is temporary, and that someday your sisters will be the most important people in your life. I wish that it were easy for you and I, but it isn't. I expect too much of you, I know I do. And I remember being the oldest in my family, where the expectations often seemed so out of line with my place in the family. I don't want to do that to you, to give you responsibility without privelege, to make you be both grownup and child at the same time. I'm trying, honey, to do my best, and I hope that someday you can see that.

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