This is my fourth baby. I've gotten into a routine of sorts, having three girls. I love pulling out their old clothes, relishing when the big girls wore them and thankful to watch another go round of clothes (and stages) that are all too fleeting. They so often so such similar things as they grow that I am reminded of babyhoods gone by and little quirks I had forgotten.
This time, I didn't want to find out if we were having a boy or a girl...Thea (our third) was our first mid-pregnancy ultrasound, and I did find out so I could start collecting boy items at garage sales over the summer if they were needed. I was happy to have a third girl, it was familiar and comfortable. With my fourth pregnancy I have had a barrage of "aren't you hoping for a boy/trying for a boy?" sort of comments, and each one reverberates in my head as "your beautiful girls just aren't good enough." I am sure that most people don't mean that, but it served to make me defensive of my girls and slightly hopeful for another, just so I wouldn't have to endure a lifetime of "finally got your boy" jokes. If people say it, my wonderful fantastic daughters will hear it...and I can't bear for them to think that we had another baby just to get a boy.
So I didn't want to find out...I knew that if I waited and was handed a beautiful brand-new baby I would look at his or her face and the thought of anyone different would be unfathomable. I had a suspicion that finding out I was having a boy would make me fixate on all the fears and frustrations that were already surfacing. I was outvoted...the girls wanted to know and so did Tom.
It has been a rough day...I am happy to be having a healthy little boy. I have had a rough time brushing off my anxiety about other people's comments, and letting go of my hope and expectations of having another daughter. Combine that with pregnancy hormones and overwhelming guilt for feeling anything other than utter joy (because who gets to feel sad about something so silly) and I have been a weepy mess all day. I kind of want to curl up inside and hibernate until spring when I get to meet this little fellow and find out how completely wonderful having a son will be.