It's been two months since I posted anything, and if I really think that I am going to write every day in the month of November maybe I should try to remember how. I have been in a funk lately, an overall anxious frustrating sad time. I am really annoyed by it, and consequently a bit angry with myself as well. Which is ironically self-defeating, but how the cycle works, I guess. I am really hard on myself, and beat myself up a lot. I have an unrealistic expectation of what I want my life to be like, and what is really possible.
When I was pregnant last year (just last year - how time flies) I went to my very first therapy sessions because I was anxious about my upcoming birth. I had given birth before and felt totally out of control of my surroundings and situation, and because I had issues with being a non-compliant patient I was worried that it would happen again. The woman I saw was just finsihing her PhD in Psychology and was doing an internship. She was fantastic in helping me sort through my thoughts and work on asserting myself. As a result I was able to convey my wishes and fears to my midwives, and had a fantastic birth that was dictated by my needs.
And now...I am not doing so hot. I am feeling thin - just spread out and transparent and exhausted. I need to make some changes, and I don't know what changes I want to make. So back to the therapist I am going - I have 6 of my 8 allotted visits remaining to make some decisions and see if I can find myself, and my marriage, and desires. I am thinking about using NaNoBloMo to document this escapade and see where I end up.